And i wonder...

I'm generally not a person who would get depressed(not clinically). I wouldn't be even if i tried. It's just me. I might be in a foul mood, in a melancholic state, but after awhile, i'd bounce back, especially in the company of friends. (Ok i know sometimes i get hostile or nasty if i'm not in the right gear... Heck...) (I'm not sure what everyone thinks though.)

So that leaves me wondering... Am i truly in the right state of emotions? (I read sociology today...) Is it merely feelings that i express when i'm in company? Where does that leave my emotions?

I don't know(as always). I find my mind to be in a terrible state of conflict when i'm alone and left to my own devices. That's the hardest part. And like the cliche, i am my worse enemy. It's hard to conform to expectations. I fail terribly at that(why should i conform?). And yet i see a need to because of the fear of being ridiculed, the compulsive need to prove people wrong, and the want to show everybody that i'm not weak... All for the wrong reasons, no?

Is it rational for me to be glad that my arthritis is taking a back seat? I think it'll be safer to do so after i see my rheumy next week. It can be so unpredictable at times- you have no telling when it's coming back. I do like some form of warning though... I don't like sulfasalazine at all. I feel it does little for me. The 6 pills a day regime is so taxing because it's twice a day. I'm perfect with once a day, but with this damn SSZ, i always forget to take my morning dose, leaving me a little frazzled and doing WRONG things like taking double dose at night(so so so wrong i know, i've done it SO MANY TIMES). Plus the pills are so freaking big and i have to buy so many bottles of it just to last me till my next visit. I'll ask my rheumy about it, but only if i remember, and dare to...


I went for ballet class today(after eons!) and boy did i feel pathetic. Ok i WAS pathetic. I'm disappointed in myself because i have made zero progress this whole year with so many hiatus. It's almost like i'm back to status quo. And again, i was left to face the evil mirror in the unforgiving attire. What can i say? Utterly disgusted at the reflection i saw. DISGUSTING. Everything about me in ballet is just disastrous.


*sigh* Why can't i love myself more?