Entrapped

I'm once again entrapped in a vicious cycle that i can't seem to break. I know i can if i want to, but my subconscious mind tells me not to. Deep down inside, i constantly remind myself that only by being in this horrible cycle can i justify my disordered behaviour. But looking at it logically, being in this cycle is much more disordered and destructive than anything else i've done in my whole life. I want to stop, but i can't. I'm obliged to stay in this cycle until my innerself is satisfied. When will that be? I don't know- maybe soon, maybe not ever. I'm so ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the state i'm in, ashamed of the disgusting things i do, and even more so appalled by own decision to even start all this nonsensical crap.

I have to hide it. No one will ever know. Not now anyway. I'm not ready to face up to myself and reality.

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