Angst

I can't help but feel bitter. Which was in a way, quite a sudden shift in moods. After 5 continuous days being immersed in ballet- watching Genee, rehearsing and performing, I've become numb. Numb to what, i don't know, and i can't figure. And yet, there's a void some where, waiting to be filled.

I cannot stop berating myself, and beating up myself for everything that i have done. I thought i was done and dusted with all those 'teenage angst' and 'emo-ing'. Apparently not, i realised. There's a constant struggle to rationalise the things i do, the choices i make... The constant struggle to hide my emotions because i'm ever so prone to display them so readily(most commonly being anger). And the constant struggle with self-reproaching from issues with body image and inferiority complex.

I cannot help but harbour ill thoughts about my parents. I acknowledge everything they have done for us. Yet, all the little things they do annoy me a great deal. Like how Dad tends to make bitter comments on Sam, how he gets my things lost in the midst of making the house a neater place, and my room a better room. And how Mum can be such a biatch(that only Mela and Fifi understands), i wish that someone else is my mum(mean i know, but it's irrational). I hope i can try to understand why they do these things, and in future, put aside these misgivings and love them more.(Why is this so hard to write?) I'm STILL angry regarding the issue about my RA and their reluctance to acknowledge it.

Everytime there's anger in me, i wished i was in pain. Like now, my RA is pretty much controlled. There's not much pain anymore. But i wish i was in pain, quite unlike what i was hoping for in the first half of the year. Because at least with pain, i become bitter with the pain. I become consumed with the disease. I become humble and look at everything in a whole different perspective. Instead, without the pain, my attention is turned to everything else that sat in the back of my head, which have been screaming for attention.

I haven't taken my meds today at all. I have half the mind to stop taking all my meds. Perhaps in a bid to protest- against my parents, against the world and against myself. I know it's foolish, but we do foolish things in a moment of folly, don't we? I've 'indulged' in so many things foolish this year- acts that i have never contemplated before, acts that punished my body, and acts that as a nursing student who understands anatomy and physiology, should not do. But again, we do silly things in times of desperation, when we get jaded, and when we become numb.

Lastly, i hate the mirror. I hate the reflection i see everything i look into one. I'm utterly disgusted by it. The thought of going back into ballet class throws me off the want to go back dancing. Pathetic i know. But i can't help it when everyone else around me is skinny.

Looks like i'm a very 'helpless' person eh...