Woes

Being super emo these days. What's up with me?

Anyhows, i told Dad today that i don't need their 'concern'(or the lack of it?) at all, and that they should just leave everything as it is. I don't need the 'mental support' or those 'are your joints hurting' crap. They sound VERY patronising and condescending. Even if i was dying in the hospital, i wouldn't want them to be concerned. They have never been, and they never should. It's already ingrained and impressed upon me that they don't ever show genuine concern. So any form of concern from them is perceived and construed as an attempt to be patronising, and i won't stand for it. I'd rather my friends and teachers show concern than them.

And heck. My parents have no shame. They're asking for subsidy for my biologic therapy. Yes it costs over $1000+ a month. But they have the means to pay. Saw MSW today, and even the guy told me chances are very slim. If they are not ashamed, i am.

That's why i want to be legal quickly, and pay for everything for myself. Because i know that in time to come, they will use this against me. That they paid so much for my medication. I can bet half my life on this. At least Mum will. That's why i'm paying for my own meds, blood tests and consultation fees. I don't want to feel indebted to them, at least in this aspect, since they don't believe i have a problem.

*aargh* This is so frustrating!!!

And yet again, i heard that Mum said that "(my brother and sister) can pull through (the joint pains), why can't she(referring to me)?". You know if i had my way, i'd give her a tight slap and spit on her. Firstly, joint pain is only a symptom of RA. Secondly, they seemed to have grown out of it. Sam is still experiencing it in a few joints though. I've done my job- i've asked her about whether it has spread to some other joints, and have checked for swelling. None of this. But she refuses to see the doc anyways.

Does it make any sense that i might grow out of it when i'm already 19, and experience pain, swelling and morning stiffness in most synovial joints? Is she even aware that it's in my shoulders, elbows, wrists, some finger joints, hips, knees, ankles, feet and toes? Even my tendons and soft tissue get it. The blood tests have all the evidence. And she has the cheek to challenge my diagnosis, my doctor and me. (Actually Dad too...)

So who the fuck is she to say that there's nothing wrong with me? And who is she to say that my meds are not working, or that i was better when i was undiagnosed?

She asked about my joints when we were in Korea, and i thought that pigs were flying. But then again, it was in a very condescending manner.

You know, if i could, i would have killed her. Actually no. I would have killed her when i much younger. Mother or not. Mothers are not supposed to be jealous of their daughters. Mothers are not supposed to ignore the fact that her daugther has a problem. Mothers are not supposed to be what my mum is. She's the perfect example of what a mother should not be.