Musings of late

Thoughts are running amok in my head, rendering me lost and very confused. Many things have been happening of late. They might not be that a big deal, but when put together... It spells trouble.

First, my invisible disease has been on my mind pretty often these days. Doesn't help that i have to decide over my BCLS certification and my expensive medication that i am very apprehensive about. RA reminds me about what happened last year, which revealed to me that life with RA isn't very predictable. I can make plans and decide to stick with them, but the disease interrupts my plans, and i'm stuck with little choice. It makes me lose control- something which i value and appreciate a lot in my life. Control freak. I don't know when i can have a good day, and i when i'll have a bad one. My emotions are also dependent on them, and i'm not very good at dealing with my emotions. Keeping all that anger in me is tougher than anything else.

RA makes many other things unpredictable. Will it affect my employability? Will it make it difficult for me to get hold of places and positions? Will my future life partner accept me and my disease? For sure, i wouldn't want my partner to be like my unsympathetic and unempathetic family. If i ever have a kid, will my kid get RA too? I don't want my kid to have it, that's for sure. Will i, like many others, suffer from deformities and disabilities? Will i ever get a remission that can be maintained as long as possible? Can i still dance for as long as i'm able to? Will my medications affect me permanently in the long run? Can i even afford medications that i need? Is my condition even RA? Could it be something else?

Too many questions... Too much uncertainties. I've never really thought in depth about my diagnosis because i was just pleased to get one and be treated. But what entails it wasn't in my mind.

Then comes BCLS, which is making me distressed. Being a non-certified nurse is pathetic, and defeats the purpose of being a true nurse. Standing at the side while the patient is coding blue is just SAD. I will want to try, but if i fail it, i guess i'll have to give it a miss. Will it even be possible for me to pass?

Another struggle is ongoing which is something that i cannot reveal. But i'm in anguish over it, and am very distressed and frustrated about it. It overwhelms me every single day and moment. Even when i'm sleeping. I don't want it to overtake my life. But i can't stop. Not now. Not in the near future, unless someone finds out and intervenes. And what terrifies me is the fact that i can very possibly be found out. All that disgust and shame.

The recent demise of my patient/friend/fellow parishioner added onto the burden. It was just too sudden. I was too late. What was it that led to his passing? I'm still curious to know, and i hope it's not due to the mishandling by the docs. He was a really great person, and i still fondly recall our long conversations, and especially the way he greets me when we see each other, and the way we hold and shake hands like 'brothers'. There's so much mystery shrouding his demise, and i feel so helpless. I can't go to his wake, i can't tell his family anything, and i can't visit him after his cremation. Why?


Let's hope these will diminish and shift into the back of my head soon. It's giving me a huge headache and making me emo. I hate this.